I have long been sceptical of menthol cigarettes. The menthol cigarette is a light form of cigarette for people who don’t actually enjoy smoking. They’re the sort of thing you might give your baby when you’re not sure if he or she is old enough to smoke yet. It seems like the only grown adults consuming these dubious bringers of cancer are women (certainly this is true where I live). I decided to investigate why menthol cigarettes are still being produced. The results were shocking.
Once upon a time, “menthol” was actually spelled “menfol”. The spelling was mysteriously changed under suspicious circumstances many years ago. I wondered if the change was deliberately engineered to obfuscate something. But what? Well, it turns out that “menfol” is an anagram. Rearrange the letters and you get “femnol”. With me so far? Okay, good. Now, like you, I had no idea what femnol was. The word hinted at a molecule with an OH group but there was no mention of it in the mainstream academic literature.
I turned to the deep web for off-the-record information. I’d tell you how to find it but you’d probably just freak out. I found some absolute nutters peddling all kinds of conspiracy theories on there. I also found what I was looking for. It turns out that femnol is an extremely potent drug used in hormone replacement therapy for men looking to become women. But why, then, was it never referenced in the science journals I perused? It turns out that femnol was never picked up on by mainstream (sheeple) medicine because it was considered too strong. It was hidden by the female chemists who discovered it because they found that it turned every man who took it into a stunning 10/10 babe. Being scientists, these women knew a favourable reproductive strategy when they saw one. Who could blame them for “losing” their research?
Unfortunately, at some point along the line, the research was discovered. Fast forward to the present day and billions of cigarettes containing femnol are being produced. Millions of – already rather effeminate – men are choosing to smoke menthol cigarettes for some reason (gypsy toothbrush, anyone?). These poor men are unwittingly being turned into women by the militant feminists of Big Tobacco. As of yet, I’ve been unable to determine how deep this thing goes but I wouldn’t be surprised if there were government or even Illuminati involvement. The end game? Isn’t it obvious? The aim is to create a homogeneous single-sex society living under the matriarchy — the single most oppressive social structure known to man (especially male man).
This has got to be the biggest conspiracy I’ve ever unravelled. I advise everyone to stop smoking menthol cigarettes IMMEDIATELY!! Let the people know about this crime against the patriarchy! Wake up and rise up, my fellow men!! It’s time to take the men out of menthol!!